Saturday, March 29, 2008

Stop Using Big Words You Don't Understand

Sesquipedalian predilections warrant interminable vigilance.

Verily, vivacious nomenclature decries salient considerations of distinguishability. Abandon waterlogged lexicons for perspicuous verbiage.

Discontinue inclinations toward Brobdingnagian libretto. Procure alternative bureaucratese.

Stop Blogging.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Don't Blog About Holidays

Stop writing about holidays and their meaning to you.

Easter celebrates rebirth, and there's nothing original about that. At this point, it's merely regurgitation. (And that's for the birds.)

You believe your material is heartwarming, topical, and original. We find it trite. In fact, it's easier to reconcile egg-laying rodents than it is to find value in your holiday post. 

Additionally, don't expect any sympathy on your rough, chocolate-free Lent. No one cares. We certainly don't. In fact, you could probably stand to lose some weight.

Start with your blog: Stop blogging.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Stop Blogging for Lent the disciples among you, give up blogging for Lent.

This exercise in self-discipline will teach you that blogging is a compulsive and nasty habit (like smoking or gambling) that should be eradicated. (And, for the same reasons.)

If Jesus is not your lord and savior, give up blogging for Lent.

Blogging afflicts believers and non-believers alike. Don't be fooled by lecherous teachings to the contrary. (Recall: doctors once had a preferred, healthier brand of cigarette. And roulette table.)

Spend your extra time helping children, the needy, the homeless, or the whales. When you're done, don't blog about it you quaestuary. 

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Don't Repeat Yourself

Don't repeat yourself.

Don't repeat yourself.

Don't repeat yourself.

And don't make us tell you again.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Use Relevant Images

If you feel the need to include a picture with each post, use a relevant image or don't include one at all.

We understand that you may feel compelled to add a photo to "kick it up a notch" and spark ocular excitement with visual cues. But, your photo isn't relevant to what you're saying and it detracts from any point your post may have had.

It makes you even less credible.

Additionally, do not attempt to mitigate a loosely associated image with your post simply because you enjoy the photo. The justification is mismatched, like a squirrelly preteen in a sumo match. (See how we did that?)

Use images sparingly and only when it enhances the punchline.

Activity of the day: Calculate your Irrelevant Image Ratio (IIR)

Count the number of images in your blog. Call this i. Now, count the number of those that were actually relevant. Call that r.
r / i = IRR
If your IRR is not 1.000 (note the degree of precision in this number), delete every irrelevant image.

Less is more. Stop blogging.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Stop Commenting

If you cannot write an intelligent post, keep your comments to yourself. 

In the blogosphere, comments are visceral and reactionary instead of meaningful and thoughtful. Good writers put effort into their blog posts and should be rewarded with insightful responses. Instead, their work contends with lackluster statements of adoration, condemnation, and divagation. 

The term itself is a misnomer. In practice, commenting is more like consuming a four-course meal, chugging Colonblow, and refusing to leave the dinner table until after you've done your business.

Worse yet, commenters comment on comments, clouding the post's intended message with questions of sexual preference and allusions to Hitler. The banter grows longer than the actual post, nullifying any hint of utility. Or relevance, for that matter.*

But for you, dear reader, your comments are clearly half-hearted ploys intending to attract readers to a blog that you shouldn't have. 

We're calling you out.

Stop commenting.


*Which leads us to our next point: monitor your comments and get rid of the feature. Better still, stop blogging.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Don't Apologize for Not Blogging

Do not apologize for an extended absence. No one cares where you were. It's a wasted gesture-- just like your blog.

Do not blog simply because you have not blogged in a while. Your post will be sub-par and will qualify for abortion.

Better yet, stop blogging entirely: your piddling audience most certainly needs to find other sources of entertainment. And, perhaps, get a life.

We suspect the same can be said for you.